In the complexity of workplace communication, a thought-provoking question arises that also permeates family and social dynamics: Why are assertive women often labeled bossy? When you hear a woman say things like, “You need to complete this task by X date”, or “I’ll be focusing, so I ask that you don’t interrupt me for the next hour,” she is perceived as strong or too direct. This perception is often rooted in gender stereotypes that create blind spots in our daily communication and interactions.
In my coaching and mentoring sessions with female leaders, the topic of fear often comes up – the fear of not being direct, of not giving corrective feedback, or of not setting boundaries because of the worry of being perceived as “harsh” or “bossy.” Over the years, I have personally experienced and witnessed how, as women progress in their careers, a persistent dilemma arises: How is assertiveness, an essential leadership trait, often viewed negatively in women?
The first reason I’ve found is that female assertiveness often confronts the barrier of deeply ingrained gender stereotypes. Our societies have woven traditional expectations around femininity, assigning women roles as caregivers, conciliators, empathetic, and patient, among other traits. One of my favorite authors on this subject is Sheryl Sandberg, who discusses this in her book Lean In, where she explores how these gender expectations influence communication and, consequently, the perception of assertiveness in women.
So, when a woman takes an assertive stance, challenging these preconceived expectations, she often faces resistance, criticism, or rejection from others. These adverse reactions are compounded by what I call “broken sisterhood,” which adds an additional layer of complexity to the issue. This “broken sisterhood” refers to the competition among women in professional and social settings, where criticism between women intensifies, reflecting the internalization of gender stereotypes that we are often unaware of.
I experienced a situation a few weeks ago that perfectly exemplifies this issue. As a leader participating in a global diversity and inclusion committee, I sent a clear and assertive message summarizing the topics of a meeting and requesting input. I received an overwhelming silence in response. This incident made me question again why female assertiveness is being perceived as a threat, even in women-led environments. We find ourselves in a dichotomy where being assertive as a woman can be a virtue, yet at the same time, it lands in the realm of stigmatization.
The second answer to my initial question of why assertive women are often labeled bossy is related to unconscious biases that also play a crucial role in the negative perception of female assertiveness. Unconscious biases stem from beliefs and stereotypes we’ve internalized from family, school, friends, work, etc., and lead us to make decisions or judgments that create inequality and favoritism in our interactions. We all have unconscious biases; the key is to bring them to the table when we notice these situations and become aware of our own biases – the narratives we’re telling ourselves about other women.
So, when you judge other women, ask yourself: What’s the root of my judgment when I say another woman is bossy? Is it because of her tone of voice? Is it because of the words she uses? Is it because the issue lies in my own biases? Am I the one who needs to examine and change those beliefs that prevent me from acting with firmness? Why do I accept without question that my male boss tells me what to do without saying “please”? These questions may be uncomfortable, but the root of many of our often wrong attitudes and behaviors lies within their answers. In those answers, the space for self-knowledge opens up, allowing us to examine the stereotypes we’re following and the unconscious biases we need to change.
Another key aspect is fostering self-confidence. Women need to feel supported to express their ideas assertively. We must feel calm and confident in the knowledge that our voices are invaluable and that we contribute intelligently and meaningfully to the growth of organizations and the evolution of society. That voice, which has perhaps been silenced and suppressed for so long, is now ready to emerge with wisdom and certainty.
In my example, I realized that the lack of response to my message wasn’t a personal rejection but a reflection of biases and deeply rooted stereotypes in my female colleagues. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book The Four Agreements, I’ve learned not to take anything personally or make assumptions, so I was able to address the silence through powerful questions.
It’s time for female assertiveness to be encouraged as a strength, not stigmatized as authoritarian. If it’s possible to make that shift, I call for every woman to commit to becoming aware and working on self-confidence. Some of the actions I’ve developed in my experience, and I was recommending to my clients are creating mentoring programs, coaching programs, leadership skills training, and, above all, creating safe spaces for practicing assertiveness to empower women in their communication.
Challenging stereotypes and achieving effective gender equality are crucial to transforming entrenched perceptions. I invite women to reflect on the power of our voices and support one another. Assertiveness shouldn’t be a barrier but a bridge to authentic leadership. We each need to commit to examining which stereotypes we’re following. We must constantly review our unconscious biases and foster self-confidence to build work and social environments where assertiveness becomes an invaluable asset in women.
Ivett Casanova
